Assertiveness: The Power of saying Yes, No & Not Feeling Guilty
Assertiveness: The Quiet Skill That Changes Everything
At Lead Forward, I work with leaders who are navigating moments of change, uncertainty, and opportunity.
Together with my wife, Vanessa Vanderhoek, co-host on The Thrive Forward Podcast, we share together the practical realities of coaching, mentoring, health, self-care, and functional nutrition. Each episode explores what it really takes to thrive both in leadership and in life.
In Episode 5, we focused on a skill that often gets misunderstood or undervalued. That skill is assertiveness.
This blog builds on our podcast conversation. It is designed to give you practical strategies you can use right now.
Does this sound familiar?
You are mid-career. You have earned respect and credibility across your department. People trust you to deliver and appreciate your ability to bring calm and clarity to complex situations.
Lately though, something has shifted.
You find yourself second-guessing your contributions in meetings. You say “yes” even when your plate is already full. You avoid tough conversations with peers or senior leaders because you do not want to be seen as difficult. And when you do push back, the words do not always land the way you intended.
This is not about capability or intelligence. It is about assertiveness, a skill that helps you speak up with clarity, set boundaries with care, and lead forward with confidence.
What Assertiveness Is (and What It Is Not)
Assertiveness is not about being pushy or aggressive. It is not about being the loudest voice in the room or needing to have the final say.
Assertiveness is the ability to communicate clearly and calmly. It is about knowing your values, owning your needs, and expressing yourself in a way that respects others and yourself.
When you practice assertiveness, you are able to
Say what needs to be said without hesitation.
Set boundaries that protect your time, energy, and wellbeing.
Speak with clarity and confidence instead of over-explaining or downplaying your position.
Put yourself first whilst respecting the other person.
Assertiveness is not a personality trait. It is a learned skill that builds trust and influence over time.
Passive, Assertive, or Aggressive? Know the Difference
When the pressure is on, your default communication style can have a huge impact.
Imagine a senior executive assigns you a new, high-priority action, even though your workload is already at capacity.
A passive response might sound like, “Sure, I’ll do my best”, even though you know the deadline is not realistic. You say yes out of habit, but inside, you feel overwhelmed and resentful.
An aggressive response might be, “This is ridiculous. I’m already drowning”. While it is honest, it comes across as reactive, emotional, and likely to shut down the conversation.
An assertive response could be, “I want to deliver this well, but my current capacity means I can’t take this on without impacting quality. Can we talk about priorities or shift the timeline?”
Assertiveness is the middle ground. It protects your wellbeing and your impact without compromising relationships or credibility.
The Three Communication Styles at a Glance
Passive: Avoids conflict by putting others' needs above your own. Their verbal style is apologetic, unclear, hesitant, and their non-verbal style is slouched posture, low eye contact, nervous tone. A common thinking pattern is ‘My needs do not matter.’ A common saying is ‘Sorry to bother you or Whatever works for you.’ A passive person avoids conflict in the short term which leads to resentment, stress, and invisibility.
Assertive: Expresses needs and boundaries clearly and respectfully. Their verbal style is direct, honest, calm, and their non-verbal style is balanced posture, open gestures, steady eye contact. A common thinking pattern is ‘My needs and your needs both matter.’ A common saying is ‘Here is what I need, or Can we find a way forward together?’ An assertive person builds clarity, trust, and mutual respect which requires self-awareness and courage.
Aggressive: Forces your views or needs on others with dominance. Their verbal style is blunt, demanding, often disrespectful and their non-verbal style is pointing, sharp tone, intense or intimidating posture. A common thinking pattern is ‘I am right, and everyone else needs to get on board.’ A common saying is ‘You need to... or That is not my problem.’ An aggressive person may feel powerful briefly but damages relationships and erodes long-term trust.
Start with Self-Awareness
You cannot be assertive unless you are clear about what matters to you. Before any important conversation, take time to ask yourself:
What do I need to say?
What do I need to protect my energy and performance?
What boundaries are non-negotiable?
Lead Forward Tip: Write these down before the conversation. When you anchor yourself in clarity, confidence becomes easier to access.
Use Clear, Respectful Language
Assertiveness is not about sharp words or aggressive tone. It is about speaking with honesty and care. Here are a few helpful phrases you can use:
I’d like to offer a different perspective.
Here is what I need to move forward.
That does not work for me. Can we explore another option?
You do not need to justify or apologise for having a view. What matters is that you express it with clarity and intention.
Practice in the Everyday Moments
Assertiveness is not just for performance reviews or policy negotiations. You build it in the small, everyday interactions. Here are a few ways to practice:
Ask for clarity when instructions are unclear.
Push back when your time is not being respected.
Say no without apology when a request is not realistic.
Speak up when something feels off, even if it is uncomfortable.
Each moment builds the muscle. And when the big moments arrive, you will be ready.
What Gets in the Way? The Stories We Tell Ourselves
It is not always capability that gets in the way of assertiveness. Often, it is the unspoken beliefs we carry. You might hear yourself thinking:
If I say no, I will let people down.
If I ask for help, they will think I can’t handle it.
If I speak up, I will be labelled difficult.
It is easier if I just do it myself.
These stories feel familiar, but they are not facts. Assertiveness helps you rewrite those beliefs and take action that reflects your truth, not your fear.
Ten Assertiveness Moves to Use This Week
Clarify your message before the conversation begins.
Use language that is both respectful and direct.
Practice in low-stakes settings to build confidence.
Say no when necessary and say it without guilt.
Support your message with strong posture and steady breathing.
Ask for help before you reach the point of overwhelm.
State your needs clearly rather than only stating what you don’t want.
Stay anchored in your values when conversations get tough.
Protect your time and energy with clear boundaries.
Let go of outdated stories that are no longer serving you.
Final Thought
Assertiveness is not about control. It is about clarity. It is about knowing what matters and having the courage to express it in a way that builds trust and alignment.
Whether you are leading reform, managing a team, or simply trying to stay true to yourself, assertiveness will help you navigate your path with strength and care.
Thrive Forward Podcast
This blog expands on Episode 5 of The Thrive Forward Podcast, where Vanessa and I unpack assertiveness, communication, and how to build confidence through everyday action.
You can listen to the full episode on all major podcast platforms.
Daniel McInerney is an impact coach, experienced mentor and independent advisor. You can book a complimentary Discovery Call or consultation by clicking here.